Both fetishists and submissives are welcome in My Empire, and I have nothing against those who identify as fetishists. I have sessions with fetishists often, and enjoy the time that I spend with them. Fetishists are some of My most frequent clip buyers! The purpose of this article is to compare and contrast the two types of players in the FemDom scene. I hope this helps you decide which term is better suited to you, as this will help you communicate much better in your femdom adventures. I hope this also sheds some light on why many Dommes seem to dislike fetishists.

What are Fetishists and Submissives?

Fetishist: a person whose sexual desire or gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, activity, part of the body, etc

Submissive: a person ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.

Those are the “dictionary” definitions, but how do these apply to BDSM?

Do you know if you are a fetishist or a submissive?

A fetishist is someone who enjoys occasionally playing the role of a submissive during a sexual encounter. For example, some individuals like to experience physical pain or be humiliated occasionally by one, or several different Dommes. If you ONLY seek out domination when you have an urge, you are most likely a fetishist. A fetishist is ONLY concerned with his wants/needs at the end of the day. That’s perfectly fine, as long as you are polite and honest! Embrace who you are, and communicate it appropriately, and you can have some great sessions.

It may be hard to identify if you are a fetishist or a submissive at first. I also believe that many submissives start out as fetishists before they unlock their inner sub. It can be identified by the root reasons for your activities. Do you want Her to stomp on your balls because She wants to, or because you want to experience testicular impact play? If your fantasies are revolving around a certain article of clothing or a certain activity, you may be a fetishist.

What are your fantasies? What are your deepest desires?

If your fantasies are revolving around doing whatever it takes to please your Mistress, you may be a submissive. However, this is where it can get confusing. You may have the desire to please your Mistress, but if you ONLY want to please Her by doing XYZ, you are a fetishist. That’s fine if you find a Domme who enjoys XYZ. What can go wrong is when a fetishist finds a Domme that he finds attractive, and immediately starts demanding that She act out his fantasies on him. Completely disregarding Her desires.

If he buys a session and communicates what he is looking for, that’s fine, everybody wins. But when a fetishist is posing as a submissive, that is when things start to go awry.

Are you submissive?

A submissive is someone who truly wants to surrender to Her. Surrender their mind, their body, and often even their wallet. A submissive is focused on Her. Yes, he is interested in the fetishes that he engages in during playtime, but a true submissive is more concerned with Her wants and needs, rather than his own. This does NOT mean that his urges and needs are not met through playtime, but the submission goes BEYOND the sessions.

A submissive is seeking out a Domme to help guide them to grow. Whether it be personal growth, sexual discovery, or just becoming the best submissive for his Domme that he can be, a submissive is looking to be “molded” by his Domme. Molding doesn’t happen in a 30-minute session, a day, or even a week. A true submissive desires to “settle down” and serve one Domme once they find the one for them. They are more interested in growing and serving than they are with their own fetish based desires.

A true submissive may start out as a fetishist!

A true submissive is interested in a relationship symbolic of dating, with the ultimate goal of becoming owned. Ownership is a form of BDSM marriage so to speak, where a sub is awarded a physical or symbolic collar representing the bond between the Domme and the sub. A big problem is when fetishists start talking to a domme and they think that they are a sub, or they are just saying what they think that the domme wants to hear.

Do you really want to be owned by a FemDom?

When a sub starts talking about ownership and serving, the Domme doesn’t think you mean that you want to jerk off. She thinks that you are offering to start training over the long term to better serve Her and Her Empire. Are you looking for ten minutes of humiliation while you rub one out? Neither one of you is going to be satisfied. She won’t understand what you are talking about. Do you just want a session? say that! Don’t just start dirty talking.

If you are a fetishist, the answer is probably no.

Ownership and true servitude involve a lot of non-sexy communications and work that you are still expected to pay for. If you are only interested in paying your Domme when you are hard, you are a fetishist. Don’t pretend that you want to be owned when you just want to jerk off, it’s just counterproductive. A fetishist is more comparable to a hookup or a one night stand. Perhaps even a fuck buddy if they consistently come back. But a fetishist will never be owned, not truly.

Are you more concerned with your pleasure, or Hers? Honestly?

I think that many subs start out as fetishists, so don’t feel bad if you thought you were a sub, but after reading this far are starting to consider yourself a fetishist. If you don’t want to be a true submissive, that’s perfectly fine. However, if you do desire to experience true subspace you have to submit yourself fully. True submission has NOTHING to do with your penis, I love to tell you. There is a reason why I favor chastity as a training method for My slaves.

When you can’t access your penis, you have to start thinking about other ways to submit to Me. Because the truth is, I don’t crave any type of submission that involves your penis. Most Dommes don’t, and online NO Domme has a use for your penis. There’s nothing it can do for Her via the internet, even most straight girls don’t really like to watch dudes jack off. The fact of life is that men are more interested in women’s private parts than we are in yours’. I think deep down you knew that.

Who Pleases the FemDom More? The fetishist or the submissive?

Think about it. Imagine I am sitting here on an average morning in My bathrobe drinking My coffee and reading My latest book. My phone vibrates, and it is a sub telling Me that he would like to serve Me. Remember, serving a Domme means doing something to please Her in some way. Which servitude do you think I would actually enjoy?

An example of a sub and a fetish talking to a FemDom:

Sub A: “Goddess Nikki Kit you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I need to submit to you. I type this from my knees, wearing nothing but my panties. I have 3 butt plugs, two dildos, and a maid outfit. What can I do to serve you? Anything you tell me to do to myself I will do it. I have no limits. I will do anything to please you.” Attaches graphic photo of themselves wearing panties with their genitals spilling out

Sub B: “Goddess Nikki, my name is John Smith and I just found myself lost on your website for over an hour. I felt compelled to send tribute to thank you for all the hard work you put into building your Empire, and I am so happy I stumbled upon you. Today, I saw on your website that you enjoyed reading books by XX author. I hope the tribute was enough to cover your morning coffee and perhaps a book by them.

I noticed that we share many common femdom fetishes, such as coerced crossdressing and anal training. Recently, I have been interested in exploring these fantasies with somebody, and I do have some panties and toys at my disposal. Would you be interested in creating a custom clip for me? I would be more than happy to pay for your time.” Sent after sending a $25 tribute via one of My preferred methods.

A sub is more invested in the FemDom training experience than the fetishist.

Obviously Sub B is the primary candidate for being a true submissive. The first thing he did was show that he was dedicated enough to read through My website. The next thing he did was the most important though; mention My pleasures first. Sub A was only interested in serving Me by playing with themself, which does nothing for Me. Sure, I may get a session out of them and take their money. But reading a message like the one from Sub B always makes Me smile. Why? Because I am a true Domme and genuine submission is what pleases Me.

Selfish fetishists are unpleasant if they aren’t polite to the FemDom.

If you are only interested in what I can do for you, that means you are going to be draining My energy. Fetishists are fun to play with, don’t get Me wrong. I have had some of the wildest and memorable encounters with fetishists, including some of My highest spending clients! Some fetishists are nothing but polite and drop $10K in a week before moving on. There is nothing I have against fetishists, I am going to repeat that throughout this article. I only have something against fetishists who pose as submissives. That is only because it causes harm to both the sub and the domme in the encounter. This single miscommunication is one of the biggest reasons that subs walk away disappointed and confused while the Domme forgets them immediately.

There are some fetishists that I adore and that I know very well, but I don’t truly consider them one of My subs. I wouldn’t extend My hand of ownership to them, but we are still very close. Fetishists often introduce Me to fetishes and activities that I have never heard of, and sometimes I end up having a lot of fun! I’ve done giantess play with some tinies over the years, and that was always really interesting! I’ve also known subs with magical fantasies where I can cast spells on them. Fetishists are generally interested in living out a specific fantasy or scenario. Their dream may involve a woman in a dominant position, but in reality, they have already scripted the entire scene in their mind.

Fetishists are more interested in their penis than FemDom.

They aren’t interested in pleasing the Domme. The sub wants to tell Her what is going to please Her during the session. Fetishists want to live the fantasy the entire time they are talking to the Domme for the most part. They are not interested in any sort of reality that breaks their fantasy. Fetishists aren’t interested in submitting the Domme as a human being, they are interested in Her acting out a role in their fantasy. That’s what I consider a lot of scenes with My fetishists to be, roleplay; because they want Me to act out their personal fantasy rather than dominate them in My own ways.

I’m a terrible actor if we are being honest, so I really only vibe well with fetishists that share similar fantasies with Me. I know I would probably make more money if I was a better actor, but I just love being Myself too much and I don’t need to act to get richer.

If you are a fetishist with money in hand buy a session, binge on clips, send tributes, play to your heart’s content. Just know that We can see right through you, any experienced Domme can smell a fetishist a mile away. Here’s the thing; your fetishes are just secrets we use to manipulate you. When it is with a long term submission, it is fun sprinkled throughout all of their little sessions and playtimes. But a fetishist? They are just begging to be used and thrown away. We know you aren’t interested in sticking around and we only have you for those 15-60 minutes that you have to jerk off and be weird. Fetishists also give off certain ques that an experienced Domme can see and knows you’re just in it for the minute.

Miscommunication causes most failures in Domme/sub relationships.

If you are wondering why you have never made it very far with a Domme despite having sessions every week, this is why. Show Her  you are a true submissive by proving that you submit to Her with your mind, body, and soul. If you only submit to Her with your penis, We know what you are doing. If you are talking to us with your dick in your hand, We know. You aren’t sneaky, we can tell when you are jerking off to the conversation. We also know what We are doing, so We will give you exactly what you are asking for; exploitation by use of your fetishes.

If you have read anything else on My blog or website, then you know that I am absolutely in love with My career. As far as I am concerned, I live My childhood dream life and I wake up with the biggest smile every day because of it. My Empire is supported by about 50% fetishists and 50% true submissives, give or take depending on the month. I adore all types of submissives as long as they are respectful, whether they are a pure submissive or a fetishist.

Yes, I do prefer to work with true submissives.

However, I am sure you can sense the preference that I have for true submissives. That is because I am a true Domme, through and through. I get off on real power exchanges and playing with those with a deep desire to submit. If a sub I have never spoken to crawls to Me on their knees begging for Me to do all sorts of extreme punishments, that’s easy. That’s just plain old work, which I do love. It’s plenty of fun, and like I said it is how I ended up having some of the wildest encounters in My career.

But there is something that pleases Me on an entirely different level. Remember when I explained that fetishists were the equivalent of a hookup? It’s just sessions. When the leather comes off the sub is no longer submissive and won’t be heard from again until he is horny with spare money. Don’t get Me wrong, I love making a full-blown sissy put all sorts of things up their bum. But to Me, there is something almost inexplicably delicious about putting someone in a situation that they never thought they would be in and discovering they find it erotic.

Does true submission turn Me on?

It’s not the action that is turning them or Me on specifically, it is the power exchange that is taking place. I like to work with subs over a period of time, and then start to poke at those soft limits they initially laid out. If those soft limits are on My fetish list, that’s when it gets to be really fun. This is where it starts to resemble a true relationship because this level of connection requires communication and continued communication over time.

Personally, I have a transformation fetish.

I have what is known as a transformation fetish I discovered recently. I like to manipulate and control, that’s why I am a Dominatrix. When a “slut” type of sub is throwing themselves at My feet, it’s too easy. I like the cat and mouse game. The mental fuckery that happens between the Domme and sub over time. I take great pride that My collared slave who initially said was completely uninterested in anything sissy related now wears his panties and a butt plug whenever he is working for My Empire. Or when he is in trouble, but that’s a separate article altogether.

The point is that his panty covered bottom represents My power over him because I pushed him to do something he never thought he would do. This was all completely consensual and he enjoyed it as much as I did, if not more. I like to feel like a hunter, not a scavenger. I like My prey to put up a little resistance. Not at all in a bratty way, I can’t stand a bratty bottom. I like to break down the mental resistance and convince a sub to do something weird for Me. If the sub is loudly begging for Me to do something, I’m not getting the mental satisfaction. Since I have made it clear I get NO sexual satisfaction directly from submissive men, that mental satisfaction is what I am after. Fetishists are fun, but true submissives are satisfying.

Fetishists are fun, subs are satisfying.

Remember that as much as you crave to submit, a true Domme is craving to dominate. You can’t dominate what has already been dominated by themselves or society. Subs that throw themselves at Me or are only interested in activities that involve their penis are not My favorite. That’s why I like newbies so much; there are so many things they have never even thought about trying. I feel like I am able to introduce them to a whole new world and train them into what I consider to be a perfect submissive. Honestly, any sub who makes it to ownership in My Empire would make a pretty perfect life partner for someone eventually.

What I do goes beyond kink, because I get more satisfaction from both watching someone grow and manipulating them along the way. Manipulation doesn’t have a negative connotation here either. If you ever visit My Code Of Conduct you will see that I expect My slaves to behave chivalrously. Their fetishes and kinks become their rewards, and they engage in more and more of My favorite kinks in order to please Me. That is what a femdom relationship is supposed to be built around, the Domme’s pleasure. When I can take a mindless jerk junkie and turn him into a perfect submissive gentleman ready to play or serve however I desire, the pleasure is truly all Mine.