Are you a BDSM beginner? First of all, let Me express My appreciation. Thank you for researching your sexuality and attempting to prepare for this alternative sexual lifestyle. Your future play partners will deeply appreciate your efforts. Above all, this post intends to simply define and explain the most basic terms and ideologies that one will encounter when exploring BDSM and it’s many subsets. I wish you all the best on your personal journey in BDSM. Female Domination has been incredibly rewarding to Me over the years. I hope you find a similar level of peace and balance through BDSM.
What does BDSM stand for?
BDSMÂ is an acronym that stands for; bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism, and masochism, respectively. Now, let’s take a closer look at each of those words individually to piece together what BDSM encompasses.
What does BDSM mean?
Bondage –Â the state of being a slave, a sexual practice that involves the tying up or restraining of one partner
Discipline –Â the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience
Dominance –Â power and influence over others
Submission –Â the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or the will or authority of another
Sadism –Â the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others
Masochism – the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one’s own pain or humiliation.
In conclusion, BDSM describes a power exchange between people. Many beginners in BDSM don’t even know that the acronym stands for six words, not just four. Did you know the full definition? However, those are just the Oxford Dictionary definitions. Next, let’s look deeper into the BDSM community.
Common Names for Dominants in BDSM
When you are a beginner in BDSM a good place to start is to remember your manners. Usually, those who practice BDSM go by different titles or names based on their role in the relationship or encounter. Most consider it rude to not address a superior by their title unless you know them on a “first name” basis. The examples below are NOT fetish specific.
- Dom / Domme
- Master
- Mister / Sir (if it is a male)
- Goddess
- Princess
- Mistress
- Miss
- Madame
- Queen
- Empress
Common Names for Submissives
- Submissive / sub / subby
- Slave
- Pet
As for what type of people enjoy BDSM, there are no limits to that. While BDSM may not be for everybody, it can be for anybody willing to learn about it. More people than you think are active in this alternative sexual lifestyle. Everyone was a beginner in BDSM at some point. Enjoy learning more about yourself and this beautiful community.
What Makes the Foundation of a Good BDSM Experience?
What Makes the Foundation of a Good BDSM Experience?- Communication
- Informed Consent (PRICK / RACK)
- Trust
- RESPECT
There is so much more to it than that. Subscribe to My posts to see more about BDSM!
Safety is of Utmost Importance
BDSM involves the pushing of boundaries, physical harm, the list of risks goes on and on. Nothing in life is without risk, but there are certain ideals that many in the BDSM community abide by to keep everyone “safe.”
RACK Definition in BDSM
- Risk-Aware: Both or all partners are well-informed of the risks involved in the proposed activity.
- Consensual: In light of those risks, both or all partners have, of sound mind, offered preliminary consent to engage in said activity.
- Kink: Said activity is an alternative sexual activity
SSC Definition in BDSM
- Safe:Â Make attempts to identify and prevent risks to health
- Sane:Â Undertake activities in a sane and sensible frame of mind
- Consensual:Â All activities should involve the full consent of all parties involved
There is no “safe” or “not safe” within RACK, only “safer” and “less safe.” RACK guidelines are more prominent than SSC in the BDSM community. I am a provider; My responsibility is to provide a service most of the time. I am aware of My responsibilities to subs in My care. My website offers a wealth of information for you to learn about yourself and your boundaries. I have more than done My part; the rest is up to you. Unfortunately, a Domme cannot educate every submissive before their session. A sub must do their own research when they are interested in new kinky activities.
You need to acknowledge that BDSM involves risks, even if it is occurring only online. You must also always do your best to communicate with your top. Clear communication is essential; don’t beat around the bush.
While “Safe, Sane and Consensual” (SSC) tries to describe and differentiate BDSM from abuse in ways that are easy for those of the “vanilla” world to comprehend, RACK goes one step further. It acknowledges that nothing is ever 100% safe. What may be safe or sane to one person may not be safe and sane to another. “Safe” and “sane” is all about the perspective and experience of the players. The RACK philosophy tends to be more inclusive of activities that others may consider to be unsafe. Personally, I am not a fan of the SSC perspective on BDSM. I think that it is incredibly misleading. I am a firm believer in RACK as opposed to SSC guidelines, and those are what I follow.
PRICK definition in BDSM
- Personal responsibility: both the partners are responsible for their own actions
- Informed: both the partners are informed about potential risks of the engagement
- Consensual: both the partners are consenting to the engagement after being informed of the risks
- Kink: Said activity is an alternative sexual activity
This perspective is VERY similar to RACK, except it puts more risk/control into the hands of the bottom, as it is up to them to determine if they want to engage in the services that the practitioner offers. I am aware of My limits, the potential risks, and the extent of My responsibility to a bottom, are you? We are all adults here. At the end of the day, you are the only one responsible for your safety. You can minimize risks with research, practice, and only playing with experienced kinksters. But there is no “safe” way to engage in these extreme kinks and fetishes. Knowing the risks and having a plan to reduce them is essential, but that does not make it safe.
What Makes a Good BDSM Relationship?
These are some other easy to remember ways to ensure that all parties are being as considerate to one another as possible.
CCC (Long Term – Submissives)
- Committed: the bottom is exclusively serving the top in the best way s/he can (unless you have another arrangement)
- Compassionate:Â the top and bottom have a bond they share
- Consensual:Â both the partners are consenting to the relationship
CCC is usually applied to the maximum power exchange from the bottom to the top. This ethical code is more appropriate for TPE (Total Power Exchange) or longer-term BDSM relationships. CCC doesn’t really apply to the session activities with professionals or short term interactions. In this instance, instead of the bottom defining their desires and requirements, only ‘unwanted’ and ‘undesired’ activities are identified.
In another sense, you discuss only the ‘hard limits’ of the involved parties. The Domme then decides everything else for the slave.
This scenario is the real FLR and applies to submissives seeking full-time submission to one Domme. The Domme is then in charge of ensuring the health and safety of their sub. Safety words are often not used in TPEs, and the will of the Domme is the law to the sub, no matter what. These types of relationships are rare. More likely, you will experience a form of ongoing power exchange, not a TPE. Especially when you are seeking out an online relationship.
CCCC (Short Term – Fetishists / Submissives)
- Caring:Â both parties RESPECT each other and engage in a caring way, to build trust.
- Communication:Â people have different types of limits, and these limits may change depending on variables like time, current situation and mood, exposure to certain activities, who they are playing with, and so forth. Communication is essential before, during, and after a session.
- Consent:Â both partners are consenting to the engagement
- Caution:Â both partners are fully aware of ALL potential risks involved, especially the risks involved in engaging in more “extreme” or “hardcore” fetishes with a partner that you do not know well, or necessarily trust yet.
The four Cs are more evolved and less extreme forms of the three Cs.
There are different definitions, versions, and explanations of these terms that you will find around the internet and community. I based these explanations on what I found to be easiest to understand and apply.
What a BDSM beginner should remember
What a BDSM beginner should rememberIn short, most of these terms relate closely to one another. However, it means that even for one who prefers to just engage in occasional sessions with a Domme, these guidelines should be abided by to have successful sessions. Even in short term sessions, you must establish a baseline of trust and respect so that the session will be fulfilling. Or possibly won’t occur at all if either player feels that they cannot trust the other.
As a result, I have no issue cutting off communication with any individual who does NOT abide by these above guidelines when attempting to interact with Me. A submissive who claims to have “no limits” and no regard for their safety does not interest Me. Unfortunately, not all players in BDSM are practicing for the right reasons. I refuse to be an enabler for someone’s self-destructive behavior. In My experience, BDSM can have a positive effect on the life of the Domme and the submissive.
There are plenty of kinky people in the wide, wide world of the internet, if either a sub or a domme is not operating within these guidelines, you won’t have to look far to find one who does. In conclusion, never be afraid to say “no” to a situation that just doesn’t feel quite right to you.
