In My previous post, BDSM 101, I mentioned the fact that all BDSM encounters involve negotiations and consent. Submissive training is a big part of BDSM. To ensure that everyone can provide informed consent to the activity, this must occur before every scene. Negotiation is a critical topic that seems so simple and yet can cause so much confusion. Let’s see if we can’t make this a painless part of your BDSM encounter.

In a perfect world, everyone has a thorough understanding of PRICK and RACK and has invested time researching all of the ins and outs of the fetish activity in which they engage. I think we all know that we don’t live in a perfect world. Unfortunately, many people who engage in BDSM play take this part of the process for granted and operate on assumptions. For your safety and the safety of everyone you play with, never assume anything about another individual—especially not their knowledge of BDSM, or whether or not you have their consent.

Safety is essential for effective submissive training.

Negotiation also ensures that neither party will be encountering one of their hard limits during the session. You must define the hard and soft limits of all involved parties during a negotiation. If someone is unsure of their hard and soft limits, negotiations can help them come to terms with what they might be. I will go into more detail about hard and soft limits later on, but for now, if someone does not consent to anything, it is considered a “hard limit.” If someone is unsure about whether or not they want to partake in something, or if they would only participate in certain situations, it is known as a “soft limit.” No matter the reasoning behind someone’s limits, they must be respected at all times during a session.

Sub Training Negotiation – Example with Chastity

For example, chastity is one of my favorite fetishes, and I come across many men in my workday who love to wear chastity devices for the long term. A chastity device is a silicone, plastic, or metal device that completely encases the genitalia and stays in place with a lock of some variety. The device’s purpose is to prevent the man from enjoying sexual stimulation without the keyholder’s permission. That is where I come in. Unfortunately, I am using this as an example because the majority of people who I interact with don’t understand the potential risks associated with chastity.

I’ll go into it more in detail in another post dedicated to chastity. But for now, just know that several things can go wrong when wearing a device on your genitals for long periods. Almost daily, I get requests from strange men I have never spoken to before to be their keyholder. Dominating and controlling men is my job, so I am not upset that they are attempting to engage in a service that I provide.

I am disturbed at their disregard for their health and well being. These individuals are requesting to send the only key that they have to their chastity device to a woman across the country they just discovered that evening. This situation is an example of where fantasy and reality can collide in a big way. That would mean that any time they had to remove the chastity device, they would have to get ahold of Me to go to the post office and mail it out. Then they would have to wait two or three days to unlock themselves, minimum. While some of you are reading this, you may be thinking that sounds erotic, but it would be quite the hassle.

You have to wash your genitals while locked in chastity.

People need to wash their genitals thoroughly and regularly to stay healthy. When locked in chastity, I recommend every three days having a thorough cleaning without the cage. If I had the only physical key to open the cage, the key would be in the mail 80% of the time. I would be running to the post office at least once or twice a week. Does that sound like fun? Maybe, but keep reading.

This is where the fantasy and reality of sub training collide in a big way.

With most chastity devices, the only way to remove them is by removing the lock. If you don’t have the key to unlock the device, a playful situation can turn into an emergency quickly. I know that we all want to assume that no outside forces will impact our kinky fun. However, if you are participating in this alternative sexual lifestyle, that means you are an adult. That means we have to put our big boy/girl pants on and realize we don’t live in a magical fantasy world. Consider a car accident. While we try not to think about the “what ifs,” that is what negotiation is all about! If your locked play partner were involved in a car accident, would you want the EMTs trying to figure out how to remove the device without harming him? Or able to treat them without issue?

While I know it shatters the fantasies of many; I use plastic locks in my practice that can be broken by the locked individual at any time. The caveat is that the plastic locks have a serial code on them, and I will know if the number has changed. A disposable lock allows the security we both desire since a slave can not change the lock without Me knowing. This method also allows the safety we both require. I sleep much better at night, knowing that if push ever came to shove, My pets are in control of their safety.

This chastity negotiation is an excellent example, as clearly the original idea presented to Me by the submissive did not match up with My knowledge of chastity and its known challenges. Through informing him of the safety risks that could potentially come into play, I have negotiated new terms of the “contract.” Keep in mind that all of this negotiation is to occur before the lock closes on the device. Partners must discuss many aspects of chastity play, but we are only looking at the type of lock and cage used here in this example.

Negotiation – Example with Cock and Ball Abuse

Ah, another one of my personal favorites; cock and ball torture. This fetish is an interest of many, but not everyone interested in cock and ball torture is involved in the same aspects of it. Remember, BDSM is not one size fits all. You don’t have to practice any fetish within BDSM in one specific way. Variety is another reason that negotiation is essential, and neither part relies on any assumptions. Cock and ball torture can involve an impact, crushing, stretching, pinching, topical torture, temperature play, or even bondage. I’m sure there are other methods not coming to mind right now.

But, the chances are, if two different people come to Me for a cock and ball abuse session, they will both be interested in various aspects of it. The risks involved with CBT sessions are a little more evident than the chances a sub takes that I briefly addressed regarding chastity. Just because they are more obvious does not mean that you can assume someone is aware of the risks. Cock and ball torture should only happen with a FemDom and sub who are both educated on the matter. Just because someone has feet doesn’t qualify them to kick someone in the testicles. Sub training requires preparation.

Even CBT instructions can be dangerous!

The same goes for long-distance situations. Only people who know the risks should give a slave cock and ball abuse instructions! The health risks of CBT include, but are not limited to, loss of circulation and testicular torsion. Yes, you can cause infertility due to malpractice involving cock and ball torture. Negotiation, consent, and education are imperative to avoid this.

Remember, the negotiation should be informative so that both parties can grant their informed consent. During the initial or pre-scene talks, you must address all of the potential risks and outcomes of a play session. You wouldn’t want to ruin an excellent session by pulling out a sounding device(used to stretch a male’s urethra) when the submissive only wanted to be kicked in the balls. You must receive informed consent for every activity before you begin.

If you don’t get explicit consent from a bottom for an action that you perform, you are either raping or sexually assaulting them. It is possible to violate someone sexually and or inflict long term mental damage without intending to do so by skipping full discussions and disclosures.

Learning Together through Sub Training Builds Trust

Whether you are the sadist or the masochist in this situation, you should be fully informed about all of the potential risks involved before the scene starts. If your partner does not know about the dangers, and still wants to engage in the session, this is where you must politely decline the encounter. The plus side is, learning about new fetishes together with your partner can be an excellent way to bond and build trust.

There is no shame in postponing a sub training session because one or more parties involved want to do more research beforehand. Researching the topic together can be the best way to get to know each other’s limits, and can be quite erotic. I decline sessions all the time if I feel that the submissive who has approached me is not capable of consenting to the activity they are requesting. It happens all the time with eager young slaves or novices who just feel like a kid in a candy shop and can’t contain themselves. It’s better just to admit that you are new and only have experience watching FemDom porn online than to pretend to be an expert and end up in way over your head.

If you put yourself in a bad situation, you may think that BDSM just isn’t for you. You just weren’t following proper protocol. I also frequently decline sessions that are outside of My comfort zone of knowledge. I have no interest in making an unknowing slave become My guinea pig for an experiment that could hurt them. Creating an entire scene based on loose concepts is painful. I much prefer a thorough understanding of the kinks I involve Myself in before a session. Eagerness to play and serve is essential, but an eagerness to learn is critical.

Granting Consent during submissive training

I shouldn’t have to say this, but it would seem I do. The only way to be sure a bottom consents to something is to receive a clear verbal yes. “Yes” must be in response to an informed statement. For example, a top might say, “Do you consent to have your balls kicked, fully aware of the risks involved?” The submissive would respond with a “yes ma’am” or a “no ma’am.” If the submissive says “no,” you must renegotiate the terms. Communicate until you get clear consent, or better yet, just leave that specific portion for another date. This ensures that the sub is fully aware of the activity about to incur.

It is essential to be specific when exchanging consent. As I stated earlier, many fetishes are blanket terms covering many different activities. Just because someone consents to having their balls kicked, does not mean that they consent to have a 5-pound weight hung from their scrotum. These are both conventional methods of cock and ball torture. However, the activities, sensations, and risks involved are very different. Please take the time to learn about whatever action you are going to be committing yourself. The fetish and the fantasy are not the only essential parts of the equation. You must also concern yourself with how the fantasy will come to fruition.

Can a Sub violate a Domme’s hard limits during training?

Discussing these things with your dominant does not make you a “weak” submissive, it shows that you care enough about yourself and the BDSM culture that you are making an effort to do your part to ensure a good session or relationship. If you don’t have this discussion with your Domme and communicate, it will negatively impact Her as well.

Imagine you were giving a performance to an audience. Mid-show the director comes out and says the play has changed from Midsummer Night’s Dream to Cats! You must think on your feet and transition from a whimsical play to a full broadway musical on the spot. What if you can’t sing? What if you never learned the songs, or have two left feet? Perhaps you are entirely against wearing a catsuit.

Sound stressful? It is. That’s what it can feel like if a submissive requests a session and books an amount of time, but partway through the fantasy, the sub decides they wanted something else entirely. You could be requesting a Domme to do something that they have never researched or done during a session before. They may not have the necessary props on hand. They may have never even heard of your fetish before. If the bottom didn’t discuss their “new” fantasy with their top, there is a substantial chance they may be attempting to breach one of the Domme’s limits unintentionally.

A FemDom should have hard limits! All humans do!

An example of this is that I am a non-nude dominatrix who also happens to be gay. No form of intercourse, even oral, with men interests Me. I have outlined these particular hard limits of Mine all over My website. But some subs will fail to read through My list of restrictions before sub training. Poor communication causes problems. During an online female domination session, I don’t take off My clothes, but some subs seem to expect that for some reason. Or their fantasy takes a twist, and they start talking about licking My lady bits as a way to “serve” Me, or even more shocking, they think I want to have sex with them. Subs behaving in this manner does nothing except gross Me out and bring the session to an awkward screeching halt while we address My limits before the playtime can resume.

They should have done their research and communicated their desires ahead of time. Because the session would have been far more rewarding for both parties. Begging a Domme to ignore Her hard limits for you because you think you are “special” or it is “just for this one time” is despicable behavior and violates all trust with that Domme. During the heat of the moment, especially in a well done FemDom session, the male cannot think straight. This is why they must review their Domme’s hard limits in advance; it is difficult to reason with a slave in the throws of submissive passion. When a sub is in true subspace, or well on their way there, it is generally not an appropriate time to discuss or push the limits of either party.

Things to Consider when Negotiating and Granting Consent Before a Session

  • What tools will you use? Will your weapons be physical weapons such as paddles and restraints? Or will your ammunition be your cruel words?
  • What damage might the bottom experience from your weapons of choice? Will the wounds inflicted be primarily mental or physical? Will there be aftercare? What sort of aftercare might the sub require?
  • Do any players involved have any health concerns? How will you modify the session or space if this is the case?
  • What is your plan if something goes wrong? If there is an emergency, how will you ensure the safety of all players involved? What security precautions will all players take to help ensure that this doesn’t happen?
  • What are the hard and soft limits of all parties involved? How will the players let the other person know one of their boundaries is being approached or even breached?
  • Is my partner on the same page as me about everything?

Do you know the answers to all of the above questions off of the top of your head? Good! Then have fun, My friend.

Consent Over Extended Periods

It is also important to note here that the more times that you play with someone, the less involved exchanging consent will become. However, before you get to know someone, you must be extremely diligent when granting and receiving permission. Consent can also be a fluid concept at times. What someone consented to on Monday, they may not agree to on Friday. So approval must be granted before each activity that involves risk. Don’t be afraid to experiment and come up with fun ways to engage in consent during your regular sessions!

Example of consent exchange during a sub training session.

An example of this is I frequently make My “victim” beg for their punishment. While this is an erotic part of the scene, they are verbally confirming what is about to incur. This method isn’t practical for all scenarios, but you get the idea. Incorporating consent within the scene is vital to establishing and maintaining trust.

The exception to this rule can be in the long term BDSM relationship that is more involved than just the occasional session. However, within that type of TPE relationship, a careful, detailed negotiation took place, and both parties granted extended consent. Under certain circumstances, someone can consent to something for an extended period. Permitting for long term periods can allow more spontaneity within the play, but either party may withdraw or redefine their consent at any time. Negotiations and approval always take place in these circumstances; it is just far less frequent.

I hope that you found this article helpful, and it helps you gain confidence going forward in your BDSM journey. I wish you the best kinky travels, My friend!