5 Common Myths and Stereotypes in BDSM

There are many myths and stereotypes that I always hear circulating about BDSM. Quite frequently, I hear them from disgruntled clients or potential clients. Other times, I hear them from people looking in on BDSM from the outside, with no experience with alternative sexual lifestyles. The most disheartening, though, is when I hear them circulating within My community. Within this post, I am going to attempt to dispel five of some of the most common myths about BDSM and power exchange that I have seen. If you know of others, please post them below, and I might do a follow-up post.

1, Only “Deranged” People Practice BDSM

Well, this is false. I am involved in BDSM every day of My life, and I would not say that I am “deranged!” Perhaps you would disagree, but I encourage you to read more about Me before you try to pass judgment on My mental health. People who are looking in on BDSM practices from the outside are only seeing the outer shell of everything occurring during a scene. Take one of My go-to examples: the humiliation and degradation fetishes that are core to certain sessions. Most people are shocked and disgusted, thinking that somebody who goes through with something so off the wall must be so mentally unstable that they need help. When in reality, that reaction is exactly what the fetish is built around! Even if nobody outside the session ever finds out about it, the thought of what they would think if they did is part of the appeal to some.

There is also nothing “deranged” about a woman enjoying having a man wait on her around the house, hand and foot. Perhaps while she enjoys a refreshing drink prepared by a loyal sub who is pampering her while she drinks it? This fantasy is a common dream for many women, who hope to achieve it by being wealthy, or abandoning the idea altogether. Whether you will admit it or not, most people enjoy having things done for them. This fantasy is the reality for many Dommes who have house subs to do all of the chores. While the two examples I just described seem to be unrelated, they are all a part of BDSM.

The point is a lot of the appeal to BDSM practices is that the norm in kink land is to break all of the social norms. So it makes sense that we look unusual to people who have no experience with BDSM. That’s part of the fun to most kinksters. But, as long as someone is practicing for the right reasons and not as an excuse for self-harm or abuse, there is nothing mentally wrong with wanting to experiment sexually. Or with other aspects of power exchange for that matter.

2, BDSM is an Excuse for Abuse

We have to stop here and address the elephant in the room at this point. Are there people that disguise their abuse as BDSM? Yes, there are. But people will use any excuse to disguise malicious behavior. That doesn’t mean the practice itself is the problem. Those who are genuinely abusing their play partner are not abiding by BDSM guidelines and safety protocols, which I described in an earlier post.

During a scene, the sub has the right to stop the scene at any time using predetermined safety words. Throughout a scene, the top checks regularly to ensure the sub can withstand whatever the intensity is that day. A domme may also end a session early if she believes that the sub is not admitting that they have reached their limits. That is what an authentic BDSM session looks like: exploring and pushing boundaries but never surpassing them. There are going to be rotten eggs in every basket, but authentic BDSM involves no abuse, as everything is consensual. That point brings us to our next myth.

3- BDSM is Non-Consensual

This statement could not be further from the truth! Outside of those who use BDSM as an excuse to hide abuse, the foundation of any successful BDSM encounter is trust and consent. Members of My own family believe that I am an abuser of men. In their mind, no sane person would ever consent to some of what I do in a session. Many people hold onto the belief that tops within the BDSM community are simply abusing mentally ill people. The fact is that most of My clients ask Me to do these things to them, and want Me to push them. BDSM practices can only occur between consenting, informed, and legal-age adults. Otherwise, yes, it does fall into the abuse category.

What is important to note here is that once it crosses into the abuse territory, it is no longer BDSM, no matter what the activity entails. If a sub retracts his consent during a scene, and the top does not immediately stop the scene and begin aftercare procedures, the situation is now one of abuse. As long as you are with an experienced dominant, you are less likely to be mistreated during a BDSM scene than in plenty of vanilla situations. I say this because negotiation and consent occur before every BDSM scene. (I am not referring to those who live in a TPE dynamic here, as consent and negotiation happened before the TPE began.)

4- Dommes are Heartless or Repulsed by their Partners

This belief is a common misconception, and I can understand why. Humiliation is an aspect often used within BDSM scenes. It may be common to hear “weak and pathetic” used to describe men in scenes where a Domme teases him for this or that. This humiliation tactic is a method that some subs enjoy that helps take them into subspace. Not all subs, though! A lot of subs don’t enjoy humiliation at all; therefore, they don’t partake in it. Those who do enjoy humiliation as part of their scenes are usually reasonably particular about what name-calling or degradation they do or don’t want to hear. Again, the emphasis is on consent and boundaries established between the dominant and the submissive.

While the FemDom is not disgusted by their partner, if their partner desires to feel that way during the scene, she’ll fulfill their fantasy. To Me, that shows the Domme is, in fact, full of heart, because it is her wish to fulfill the sub’s fantasies. A dominant also has the potential to guide and train their sub outside of their BDSM sessions, or use their BDSM sessions to encourage better behavior outside of them. Pure domination is supposed to come from your heart, ultimately with the sub’s best interest in mind. Whether that passion is to fulfill the submissive’s wildest fantasies, to train them into better humans, or to push their subs to new limits, the top is full of passion. There is a wide breach between the bratty, lazy, aloof Princess in pink, the leather-clad mistress wielding a whip, and the soft-spoken nurturing Domme. But all of them are clear in their passion for domination and control. They also have an understanding of the fundamentals of BDSM that make it better for both Domme and sub. Any FemDom worth Her salt has spent countless hours honing the skills that she implements within her sessions. Why would a heartless person go through so much effort to fulfill another person’s fantasies of submission?

5- Those who Submit have No Self-Respect

Someone who has genuinely embraced their submissive side tends to have a lot of self-respect. Often they take great pride in submissive accomplishments, whether that’s what they’ve physically endured or how many days they’ve gone without orgasm.

Are there mentally unhealthy people within the BDSM community, whether as a client or life stylist? There are mentally unhealthy people all over this earth in every profession or hobby. In My opinion, everyone should be in therapy. However, as the average submissive goes, they have no more or less self-respect than any other human. Only a mentally healthy sub is going to be able to enjoy the session to the fullest. If they didn’t have respect for themselves, then there would be no fun in experiencing someone “breaking them down” if they were already broken. You can’t dominate what has previously been dominated by their self-loathing.